The problem with being self-aware women is that crystal clear awareness of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours doesn’t always feel so good! It sounds like a paradox right? In society today so much value is placed on becoming self-aware. There’s almost a sense of envy over those who undergo the process of growing spiritually and emotionally. We buy all the right self-help books, we tend to revere the yoga teachers, the gurus and the awakened women around us and sometimes, we even place them on a pedestal. But what those with some experience of inner work know – is that while finding clarity through self-awareness is a worthy and rewarding journey, it’s not meant to be a comfortable process at all!

In fact, becoming aware of the personal issues we have, or the things in our lives we need to change often fills women with a sense of having failed or being overwhelmed with the sheer scale of the task ahead. Becoming aware of your behaviour is an incredibly challenging process of growth to go through so don’t be surprised if the initial feelings of grief that come up are overwhelming. This intensity is what keeps millions of women in a place of denial. When things start to get uncomfortable, when we feel yuck and find ourselves trapped in the muddiness of life – it’s often easier to withdraw and just run away instead of taking action.

So What Are We All Trying To Escape From?

When we talk about the muddiness of life, we’re referring loosely to the principle “No Mud, No Lotus.” This term was coined by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist Monk who refers to the common belief that happiness can only grow from suffering. He says that on the journey to self-discovery our feelings of pain and pleasure resemble an endless loop which is organic and impermanent – just like nature. He refers to the lifespan of lotus flowers which bloom then wilt and become the compost (or mud) from which new lotus flowers bloom once again into their full beauty.

At Escape Haven we’ve learned that the best medicine is to embrace the muddiness in life just as we treasure the lotus moments. To us, that means making a commitment to stop running away and avoiding the mud. And instead run back towards ourselves to confront and understand the beauty inside of each of us. By identifying and then admitting what’s really going on we each have the life-changing opportunity to create lives full of peace and wellbeing.

Some of the reasons women come and take time out at Escape Haven.

• Unhappiness and dissatisfaction in their careers
• Disappointment and grief after the end of a marriage or relationship
• A poor health diagnosis or a sense of burnout
• When they have a big decision that needs making
• A desire to make self-care a priority for the first time
• The need to maintain their health and wellbeing
• The need to make dietary changes or detox
• A desire for time out and deep relaxation
• An awareness that they need to heal

Is It Time To Run Back To Yourself?

When women come on retreat with us in Bali they’re taking a journey not just geographically, but emotionally too. Going on retreat is not an excuse to run away, nor is it about blaming your environment for your problems. In fact, retreating in Bali is the opposite of avoidance. It’s all about coming home to yourself and creating space for the healing or decisions you need to make.

The issue with this is that most women hesitate to put themselves first. Sometimes their hesitance is for understandable reasons like cost or family commitments. Other times it’s because they don’t truly want to face what’s going on inside of them.

The tough thing is, delaying the process of coming home to face yourself can make your problems even bigger and harder to deal with. Avoidance tends to multiply our problems, remove our sense of control and deplete the last fragments of peace from our lives.

We run programmes every week of the year. If you’re unable to make it to Bali at the moment then read on! We want to offer you a simple guide to start where you are now and face the things that make you the most uncomfortable.

Four Ways To Stop Avoiding Your Problems

1. OPEN AN INVESTIGATION

When we say open an investigation, we mean start a file on yourself. Collect all of the information you have available to you now. That means practising self-awareness and identifying any places where you could be in denial. Be warned, everyone has their flaws so expect to see your own come up. Also, take note of your positive attributes! As humans, we are both flawed and talented in so many ways. So try doing an inventory of yourself at the end of every day this week. By answering the following questions you can begin to recognise your true self and become aware of where you need to heal and where you are already very strong.

1. Today was I stressed out, overly worried or fearful?
2. Was I lost in thought and able to pay attention to life? Can I remember what I did?
3. Did I have fun today, did I feel light-hearted or heavy with responsibility?
4. Did I treat myself and others with compassion today?
5. Do I owe any apologies or wish I had dealt with a situation differently?
6. Was I grateful for the good things, did I feel centred?
7. Could I focus on my work today? Did I feel like life was flowing?
8. Did I get out into nature today? Did I go to the water?
9. Do I feel healthy today, mentally, emotionally and spiritually?
10. Do I feel fulfilled in my life – do I feel happy?

2. GET CONTEXT – INVITE FEEDBACK

You may have come to understand a few things through your inventory and now it’s time to call in the love and advice of someone you trust

When we’re in a place of feeling lost or avoidant about life and want to run away, one of the most valuable actions is stepping completely out of our own heads. That means inviting somebody else in close to lend some perspective or give us some context. You could try asking a therapist, a close girlfriend or even a sibling some specific questions to give you an idea of where you really stand. Try asking them directly and honestly with a question like: “Hey I’m struggling to understand why I’m having these feelings or why I keep repeating these patterns – Can you tell me what you see me doing?” They are sure to be honoured that you thought of them to help and getting someone else’s point of view is a great way to give yourself context. Ultimately the goal is to complete your process of self-investigation by rounding out the issues you think you have with what others see you do in life.

3. IDENTIFY YOUR ISSUES

Once you’ve gathered your own information and gotten some good feedback from a trusted source it’s time to get clear on your issues. We each have different areas of life to focus on but we’ve listed some of the most common issues we see the women at Escape Haven facing below, maybe one of these applies to you too? Whatever the case, have a read of the three categories below and take stock of everything you’ve learned about yourself. Do any of these common issues apply to you? And if so, is there anything on this list that you feel like running away from?

Remember to ask yourself these questions with love!

1 – Addictive Tendencies
Am I acting out my desire to avoid reality by hiding behind something that makes me feel good? Am I doing too much shopping, drinking wine, eating or relationship seeking? Is there anything else I do or use to numb myself or feel better.  Am I finding myself weirdly driven to repeat certain behaviours even if they don’t feel good? Do I work too much or work out too much? What stops me from being still? Do I recognise that these behaviours are only a mask to a deeper truth I must face?

2 – Anxiety, Worry and Over Controlling
Am I being obsessive about anything, or overly worried? Is my need to control the little things in my life getting in the way of the flow? Am I trying to control my partner by being passive aggressive? Do I find myself tense with the need to do things in a certain order? Am I flexible and free to roll with the punches when they arise. Do I stay awake at night worrying, do I drink too much coffee? Do I think I could benefit from not being so hard on myself?

3 – Overreactions and Distorted Realities
Do I see the world as a rigged game? Do I assume the worst and feel as if everything is unfair? Am I playing the victim? Am I taking full responsibility for my actions? Am I being overly responsible and solving peoples problems for them? Do I look for reasons for people not to like me? Do I find myself in conflict with more than one person in my life? Do I feel balanced and stable? Are my hormones causing any mood swings? Do I wake up in the morning and dread the day?

4. SET A COURSE TO YOUR HEART

Now you have an understanding of the way you behave or the things you need to work on, try setting a course to run in the direction of your heart instead of the other way. Every time you notice one of the above thoughts feelings or behaviours pop up in your day take a moment to breathe and be mindful. We’re certainly no experts but the formula below tends to help immensely whenever overwhelm or the desire to escape comes up in our own lives. We hope it helps you too!

P – Pause for a moment, breathe and stop.

A – Activate your senses, identify the feelings

U – Understand that these reactions are normal

S – Sit with your awareness and let the feelings pass you by

E – Evaluate what the next right action is and take it.

In moments of avoidance where we have the desire to run away, we each have a choice to use the pause formula and then take the next right action. Sometimes the next right action is another pause!

Sometimes it’s about not sending that grumpy email or deciding to think further instead of making a decision. Other times the next right thing means doing something uncomfortable like confronting another person or setting a new boundary.  Sometimes you may even have to say no and then repeat yourself. Often we find the next right action is to apply extreme self-care or take a well-deserved rest. So simply listen to yourself in these moments – whatever it is you have to do, do it – and one day at a time you’ll be able to resolve those feelings you have been trying to avoid.